Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Well, here I am again. It's 4:16 a.m. and I'm wide awake. I have been for hours. Brother woke me at 1:30 saying there was a spider in his bed, so I got up and we did a search, which turned up nothing. After that, my brain was turned on and I can't turn it off. Which is amazing, because it seems I have to use jumper cables to get it going most days. So, I guess if getting up at 6 yesterday was early rising, this would be considered Extreme Early Rising.

Hubby is going to be home all day for the first time in a really long time. Between school and work, he is gone all the time. We've had to resort to communicating in email. He leaves before we get up and gets home after the kids are in bed. I usually crash not long after he gets in, if not before. Herein lies the problem. I know he is going to want a day to relax and recharge, and God knows, he certainly deserves it. And I want a productive day to get some things done while he is here to help. My oven has been broken for a good month (he says he will fix it today...I'm crossing my fingers), the house is in complete upheaval, and I have things to get ready for a consignment sale that have to be dropped off tonight. Not to mention school with Brother, which has been sporadic these past couple of weeks.

After my meltdown Sunday, I've had to ask myself if there are some things I need to give up. Under normal circumstances, like my husband being home every evening, even three nights a week, I think I could balance and juggle just fine. But I'm really at my wit's end trying to be everything to everyone and do everything in between. And my family is paying the price for that. Last night we got home from Brother's soccer practice at 7:45. The kids were dirty and really needed baths. Sister had an accident in her bed during naptime, but we had to eat dinner and leave as soon as she woke up, so the dirty sheets were still on her bed. And baby is having a major meltdown, because she didn't take a good nap before we left. I'm trying to get everyone in PJ's sans bath while Baby screams. I go to the kitchen to fix water for Sister and Brother to have by their beds, which has become a ritual for them. Baby is following me all over wanting me to pick her up and screaming the entire time. Brother, who doesn't tolerate the crying well on a good day, is tired and not wanting to hear it. He says, "Mommy! Will you come get your daughter?!" Take off the "Mommy" part and it is an echo of Brother Sr. This sends me over the edge. I start yelling at him, "I AM TRYING TO GET YOU A DRINK OF WATER! I WILL GET TO HER WHEN I CAN!! I HAVE MORE THAN ONE PERSON TO TAKE CARE OF HERE!!!" I could hear Super Nanny clicking her tongue in my head. After I got everyone into bed, I managed to load the dishwasher and then collapsed. I looked around the house and knew I should be picking up and doing things that needed to be done, but I just couldn't. I was mentally spent. These moments are becoming more and more frequent and I feel like I am becoming Monster Mommy. Is it feasible for me to homeschool? Can I manage this on my own? My heart breaks at the question.

The spiritual issues I am having only add to the isolation I feel. I know God hasn't turned away from me, but I'm having a hard time turning to him. These questions I have don't seem quite so important anymore. I think I need to accept that I may never have the answers. That is where my faith will double in size. But somehow there is a rift. I should take the next step to close that rift, but I'm still not there. Am I too stubborn?

I want to attach attributes to God I think he should have and make him my own little personal figure to attach to the dashboard of my car, so I can say, "Look how neat he is. He really enriches my life." It would be so much easier if he would knock on my door or send me one of those "Get To Know Your Friends" email questionnares. Or maybe he could start a blog. The reality of who God is seems like riddle. How do any of us really know what he is like?

I know I'm probably not making a whole lot of sense. I'm in a state of confusion myself. And what can you expect at 4 a.m.?


heartsjoy said...

Ohhh man! You have had a LOT on your plate! I do Not think you are crazy at all for having a meltdown or having overwhelming confusion. You have a LOT going on! And anytime one feels constantly pulled in all directions without much help it is easy to get completely overloaded. I wish I could just swoop and rescue but I'm not a very good superhero. ;) I will be praying for you. You are not alone...love you girlie.

LiteratureLover said...

I agree with Heartsjoy, you DO have a lot on your plate. You have not had much sleep and you've not had a break from being Mommy either. That's tough to handle sometimes. I hope today goes great with Hubby home and that you both get some refreshment.

ste-pha-nie said...

I just read this book it's called "The Gift From the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh. Even 50 years ago, her words ring true.