Friday, November 09, 2007

Bad Feet

I have Algebra on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Literature at 9:30, Algebra at 11:00. Lately I have been having a hard time making my feet take me to Algebra class. I have an argument with them about being responsible and that "it will only make things harder if we skip". I have tried telling them we only have a few weeks left. I always win, but still, they fight me.

Yesterday morning I had my usual Tuesday/Thursday morning coffee with friends, but it was made gloriously longer by the fact that my Literature class didn't meet. An extra hour and a half to basically goof off. Two friends left for class as another arrived and she and I spent some much needed time catching up at the coffee shop. She is the friend who knows me. Really, really knows me, inside and out. And if anything is bothering me, for some reason, it always comes out when I'm with her...ususally in the form of tears.

The problem is, I've been walking around on the verge of tears for days, probably even weeks. Don't ask me if I'm okay. I don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve. Yes, life is stressful and hard beyond reason, but there are other things. Things I'm not ready to divulge here in this forum, but things she, of course, already knows. So when she sat down next to me, just she and I, and asked me "How are you?", I wanted to sob. But with Algebra class looming in the background, I couldn't afford to open up the floodgates. At this point, there is so much dammed up, I probably couldn't get them closed again. She understands my need to hold it together and we chat about other things. Soon the dreaded hour has come and I'm having that argument with my feet again.

Me: "Just get up and go. You'll be glad you did."

Feet: "That's what you said last time."

Me: "And you were, weren't you?"

Feet: "Never. Let's go eat soup."

Me: "We can't afford to miss class. We will get behind. You won't know what you're doing next time you go."

Feet: "We don't know what we're doing anyway! How about salad? Fuji Apple Chicken salad. We haven't had that in a while since you put us on a budget."

Me: "Wow. That sounds really good. But that's so irresponsible."

Feet: "You know you want to. Here your friend sits, who you haven't had any time with lately. You could hang out for another two hours. You need a break. You need some fun. You need some salad."

I look at the time. 10:28. I would have to leave in two minutes.

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. Tick-tock.

My feet win.

"I'm not going to class today," I announce resolutely.

She stares at me in shock, her eyes like saucers. "Really?!" It's more like a squeal of glee, even though she's trying to be a good friend and not influence me negatively. "I mean, are you sure?"

It is amazing, really, the peace that came with that decision. I would have expected I would feel guilty. But it is surprisingly easy to live in denial and pretend you don't have a care in the world - least of all, Algebra homework - when your feet absolutely must have salad.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

Remember Me?

Have you ever had one of those friends you haven't called in a while and then you start feeling guilty about calling, so you put off calling even longer because you know they will want to know why you haven't called and when you tell them it will just sound like empty excuses so you put off calling even longer to try to avoid feeling more guilty and before you know it you decide you can never, ever speak to them again for fear of being a complete and total loser?

That would be me.

A complete and total LOOOO-ZER.

More than a month since my last post. And every time I sit down to blog I can't deal with the guilt so I avoid it altogether.

So let me just sum up in the last month in a nutshell for you.

Two words: Algebra Sucks.

I spent six...count 'em...SIX freaking hours on Algebra yesterday only to score a record-breaking 62 percent on my quiz.

I hate Algebra and I hope whoever invented it died a slow, painful death.

Just when I think I'm getting it, turns out I'm not. It's like that bi-polar friend who loves me one day and hates me the next. But the college won't let me cut her off because I have to have her for my degree.

Stupid degree.

Remind me again...why am I doing this?