Identity

I have so much to do, and I can't do any of it. There are so many things running around in my head I feel I will burst if I don't get them down. I've been trying to avoid the computer all morning, pretend I don't notice it. And I've had more phone calls this morning than I've had all week, not to mention other various mini-catastrophes that seems to be continually interrupting my well-intentioned day. But I've finally given in. I've given myself over to it. I put on the Magic School Bus for the kids and here I am. Hey...it's an educational video, right?

I have a good friend who wrote a wonderful blog about finding herself. It is interesting that I read it this morning when I am in the midst of some of the same issues myself. I am thirty-two years old. I should have this down by now, shouldn't I?

Hubby made the announcement the other night that I would be returning to school this fall. Huh?! I've always wanted to go back to school. I loved school, and did really well, but that was way back when I had nothing else to do but school. How will I juggle homework and papers in between marriage, children, homeschool, church and housework and have any kind of a social life? Do I have the discipline to make it work? And what the heck do I want to be when I grow up anyway? I don't even know. The thought terrified and thrilled me at the same time. Can I have a life outside this house? Is that legal? Can I assimilate into society again? I mentioned the thought of going back to school to a friend...a working mom. "You're bored, aren't you?" were the first words out of her mouth. I was hurt. Me? Bored? Are you kidding?! Haven't you heard? I am Supermom! I have the greatest job in the world and I love it!!! I'm certainly not bored...am I?

I have a friend in my life that continues to cause me more stress in my life instead of comfort and support. We met in Lamaze class when we were both pregnant with our firstborn children. I was still working at the time, so we had two incomes, nice cars, nice clothes, etc. We starting hanging out after the babies were born and really hit it off. I didn't go back to work, though, thus making my income, and all the things I was able to have with it, much less. It was something I was happy to do. A sacrifice I wanted to make. But she seemed to keep chasing after that dream of the house, the cars and all the extras. And I've always felt she was somewhat disappointed to discover that I wasn't perhaps who I appeared to be when she first met me. I'm not the well dressed woman in a new car...always together and polished. She has laughed at the vehicles I've driven and wondered aloud when we would get something "newer". It's not a big deal to me. I wish it weren't to her. She came to see me yesterday with her baby girl and dropped off some girl baby clothes I had loaned her. After she left, I wanted to cry about what she had left for me. The clothes were in a small, plastic bag...not even half of what I gave to her. Some weren't even mine. Some outfits had been split up, leaving me with bloomers and no dresses to go with them. Some I knew she hadn't even looked at. What's the big deal? It's clothes, right? Yeah, I know. I felt silly at first. But it was more than that. These were clothes I cried over when I folded them up and put them away for the last time. These were things I knew I would never have the chance to put on one of my own babies again. These were beautiful, well cared for things that held a piece of who I was, and would never be again - a mom with a baby. I had given them to her as a precious gift, so close to my heart. And they weren't special to her. Not good enough.

A friend called me this morning to let me know our high school had an alumni website and gave me orders to "go and create a profile". "You can email anyone!" she announced excitedly. She gave me the lowdown on a couple of people we knew way back when and I pretended to be interested. She was sure I didn't know about the website since I hadn't posted anything on it. I didn't have the heart to tell her I knew about it, I just didn't care. High school was a fun and wonderful time in my life. It was a great experience. But I don't care to put on my tiara and pretend I am Homecoming Queen again. Well...okay...maybe I would like to do that, but that's not my point. I don't know that girl anymore. She was fun and sweet and all, but she and I don't relate today. What? Post my picture on the alumni website? Yeah, right. Let me try to find the scary "here's-what-I-look-like-when-I-first-roll-out-of-bed" picture and I'll get right on that. Who cares what I am like now? Why do I care who cares? Nobody cares. They want to see if there is anyone who is worse off than themselves so they can poke fun and get a rush of self assurance and feel validated. Or they want to brag about their lives so everyone will think they are great and get a rush of self assurance and feel validated. I don't need it. I've moved on.

So, if I'm not Supermom and I'm not the Homecoming Queen, who am I? I am so many things - wife, mother, teacher, friend, daughter, writer, poet, artist, and somewhere deep inside there is a rock star, dying to get out. And who I am today will be different tomorrow. My husband can attest to that. I think of the Proverbs 31 woman and wonder if she really existed. Can a person be all those things and do it all well? It seems impossible to me. The journey to find myself has proven to be one of hurt and healing. The discovery that brings me most joy is to find that I want more than anything to be a daughter of the King and make him smile with all the silly stuff I enjoy. I don't know that I'll ever figure the rest of it out.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm going to dig out my tiara and do some much needed housework.