Well, it's 3 a.m. and I am awake. I took some 24-hour allergy medicine night before last and it has really messed me up. I am a walking zombie when I need to be awake and alert and my mind is racing when I need to be sleeping. However, it has paid off for me in some ways. At 5 a.m. yesterday morning hubby's alarm woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I just got up. I had some nice quiet time with my friend, Mr. Coffee and decided to do some things around the house. By the time we started school at 9:00, I had unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom, run the vacuum, made beds, washed, folded and put away (there's the kicker...it didn't stay in the laundry basket) three loads of laundry, and had everything picked up. The house was sparkling! But I paid for it in the end. I put the kids to bed last night and was asleep on the couch by 9:00. I have a vague recollection of my husband waking me up and sending me to bed because I couldn't hardly stand up and walk. Sister woke me up at 2:30 this morning with a bad dream. Something about a car flipping over...thanks to my hubby for letting the kids see Batman Begins before bedtime. When I went back to bed I couldn't slow my brain down to get back to sleep. So here I am, blogging, hoping the release of my thoughts will help me unwind.
We are on chapter sixteen in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (seventeen chapters in the book). Brother is chomping at the bit to finish. Yesterday we read the chapter where the stone table is broken and Aslan is resurrected (for any of you who don't know the story, sorry for ruining it). Surprisingly, Sister is getting into it, too. She has amazing questions. She doesn't understand why Aslan let the witch kill him. And for my kids, I don't think they understand the permanence of death. These are the moments I cherish as a parent. I love it that they are getting into the story and using their little imaginations to play the movie in their minds. And I'm the one who gets to explain it and expound on a love so amazing it would give it's own life. This is what it's all about. I am so very thankful I get to do what I do.
I've been noticing a change in myself. I have been praying for wisdom and patience with my family. And it's not just my kids, but my husband, too. I have asked God to show me the areas in their lives I can minister to. For a while I've been making myself into a martyr of sorts. (I can hear my husband saying something like, "NO! You?!" Imagine that said in a very sarcastic tone.) Woe is me. Look at all I have pressing on me. Too much work and not enough time. Don't ask anything of me. Don't look to me to meet a need in your life because my needs aren't being met either. Pretty sad, huh? These are the things I've been feeling in my heart of hearts. It's no way to live, and certainly no way to live missionally. I am disgusted by the self-centeredness that lives in me, but at the same time I have to make amends with that and realize I am sinful...no way around it. I can't make it go away. This is where I can only depend on God to work through me and make something useful of this messed up soul. He is helping me see the little things I could be doing for my family that I have neglected, for various, selfish reasons. Is it wrong for my husband to want the house to be orderly? For a while, I have thought it was. I was resentful of that. Please, understand that my husband didn't come home and rant and rave about what a slob I am. But I could see that it caused him some stress. And instead of seeing it for what it was, I took it personally. But the truth is, he doesn't function well in chaos. So, I am making an effort to better organize my time and train my children so things don't get out of control. When he came home the other night and said the kitchen looked "phenomenal", I could tell it meant something to him. Funny how something like that can affect a person. It's taking the time to play a game with Brother, even when I really don't want to. It's remembering to stop read a book to Baby when I have a million other things I could be doing. It's sitting on Sister's bed and talking to her about her day at bedtime when American Idol is on TV. Don't get me wrong...it's not about doing everything and doing it perfectly. It's about making the effort to do the important things well. And I don't have it all together. But I'm open. And the amazing thing about it, through it all, God is giving me wisdom and patience. I enjoy my days so much more. Imagine that.
Oh my gosh, I am going to be so tired today.