Saturday, January 28, 2006

Early Morning (Am I Stupid Or What?!)

Well, it's 3 a.m. and I am awake. I took some 24-hour allergy medicine night before last and it has really messed me up. I am a walking zombie when I need to be awake and alert and my mind is racing when I need to be sleeping. However, it has paid off for me in some ways. At 5 a.m. yesterday morning hubby's alarm woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep, so I just got up. I had some nice quiet time with my friend, Mr. Coffee and decided to do some things around the house. By the time we started school at 9:00, I had unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, cleaned the bathroom, run the vacuum, made beds, washed, folded and put away (there's the didn't stay in the laundry basket) three loads of laundry, and had everything picked up. The house was sparkling! But I paid for it in the end. I put the kids to bed last night and was asleep on the couch by 9:00. I have a vague recollection of my husband waking me up and sending me to bed because I couldn't hardly stand up and walk. Sister woke me up at 2:30 this morning with a bad dream. Something about a car flipping over...thanks to my hubby for letting the kids see Batman Begins before bedtime. When I went back to bed I couldn't slow my brain down to get back to sleep. So here I am, blogging, hoping the release of my thoughts will help me unwind.

We are on chapter sixteen in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe (seventeen chapters in the book). Brother is chomping at the bit to finish. Yesterday we read the chapter where the stone table is broken and Aslan is resurrected (for any of you who don't know the story, sorry for ruining it). Surprisingly, Sister is getting into it, too. She has amazing questions. She doesn't understand why Aslan let the witch kill him. And for my kids, I don't think they understand the permanence of death. These are the moments I cherish as a parent. I love it that they are getting into the story and using their little imaginations to play the movie in their minds. And I'm the one who gets to explain it and expound on a love so amazing it would give it's own life. This is what it's all about. I am so very thankful I get to do what I do.

I've been noticing a change in myself. I have been praying for wisdom and patience with my family. And it's not just my kids, but my husband, too. I have asked God to show me the areas in their lives I can minister to. For a while I've been making myself into a martyr of sorts. (I can hear my husband saying something like, "NO! You?!" Imagine that said in a very sarcastic tone.) Woe is me. Look at all I have pressing on me. Too much work and not enough time. Don't ask anything of me. Don't look to me to meet a need in your life because my needs aren't being met either. Pretty sad, huh? These are the things I've been feeling in my heart of hearts. It's no way to live, and certainly no way to live missionally. I am disgusted by the self-centeredness that lives in me, but at the same time I have to make amends with that and realize I am way around it. I can't make it go away. This is where I can only depend on God to work through me and make something useful of this messed up soul. He is helping me see the little things I could be doing for my family that I have neglected, for various, selfish reasons. Is it wrong for my husband to want the house to be orderly? For a while, I have thought it was. I was resentful of that. Please, understand that my husband didn't come home and rant and rave about what a slob I am. But I could see that it caused him some stress. And instead of seeing it for what it was, I took it personally. But the truth is, he doesn't function well in chaos. So, I am making an effort to better organize my time and train my children so things don't get out of control. When he came home the other night and said the kitchen looked "phenomenal", I could tell it meant something to him. Funny how something like that can affect a person. It's taking the time to play a game with Brother, even when I really don't want to. It's remembering to stop read a book to Baby when I have a million other things I could be doing. It's sitting on Sister's bed and talking to her about her day at bedtime when American Idol is on TV. Don't get me's not about doing everything and doing it perfectly. It's about making the effort to do the important things well. And I don't have it all together. But I'm open. And the amazing thing about it, through it all, God is giving me wisdom and patience. I enjoy my days so much more. Imagine that.

Oh my gosh, I am going to be so tired today.


janiners said...

i can completely relate! and, i started writing something here, but it's just so darn long and all about me that I think i'll just have to blog about it on my own blog and save some room on your comments section. :-)

i am sorry and not sorry i think that your allergy medicine has messed you up - you got a lot done, but i understand that feeling of even though you got a lot done, you know you're going to be exhausted and it will catch up with you sooner or later. i have moments like that without allergy medicine. :-)

i am so excited that reading the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe has compelled some questions from your kiddos! reading those books compelled me to think differently about some things and also just to enjoy my Jesus in a new way. :-) I was so excited when Jessica (the girl I mentor at Franklin) told me that seeing the movie made her go and read the book! i was so impressed and encouraged! and, her brother bought her the big book that contains all the stories in it, so now she is going to read all of them. and, she has never been one to read outside of school unless it's a book about animals. i am praying it will open some more opportunities for discussion and conversation between us about spiritual things. it's very cool!

anyways..... thanks for sharing all this. i'm very encouraged and challenged by you. i love ya, girl. see you soon! :-)

LiteratureLover said...

Supermom, I can SOOOOO relate to this blog!!! I have had a similar revelation about my self-centeredness and the concept of laying down my wants to minister to others. You're right, when I'm not playing the martyr things go so much better! (Imagine that!) As far as the Narnia book, I was going to tell you the other day that your little girl was talking about it and I was amazed at how much she comprehended. I wanted to compliment you on reading in front of her. She's a smart little girl!! I'm so glad that Brother is enjoying it and urging you on to finish!! A boy after my own heart. :)

h b said...

hold on, american idol? man, talk about self-sacrifice!

after taking your advice (many weeks ago) and "just relaxing" i am able to handle my little tornado with less grinding of the jaw. i am glad you got some time in the morning, sometimes i am amazed at what i get done before 9 - if only just to keep myself moving so that i don't go unconscience! you are right - taking that little time does make all the difference. letting him walk oh so slowly, looking at everything, when we have somewhere to be was an adjustment at first, but its nice to "stop and smell the dah-s" everyone once in awhile :)

heartsjoy said...

That is so awesome! I know what you mean about the martyr syndrom. I have had it plenty of times but I agree it is always better when I don't choose to go there! Good job Mommy!