I woke up stressed out today. Not a good sign. I have this friend who is, well, how do I put this?...a control freak. Her control issues have become a hinderance in our relationship and I have been at the point I am ready to let her go. However, she called me last week and wanted to get together. And because I am too gutless to be honest with her, I invited her over. So today I woke up stressed.
Everything about her is neat and tidy. Her house, her clothes, her hair, her children, her Suburban. Always put together. Always has the appearance of complete control.
But that isn't what bothers me.
What bothers me is the many occassions she has tried to impose her tidiness on me, even going as far as to make fun of my inability to control. I can take a joke, but she's not joking. She really sees me as not living up to my potential, whatever that means.
So I woke up feeling I had to get a shower, do my makeup, do my hair and get my house spotless. Oh, and run some very important errands and tend to my children, as well. But everything was working against me from the beginning. For starters, I woke up to find the box for the Special Addition Superman granola bars with blue and red chocolate chips in the trash. Not a big deal, except I just bought them yesterday. When I questioned Brother, he admitted to eating the eight - Count 'em. Eight. - remaining bars for breakfast this morning. And it just went downhill from there. By lunchtime Brother had a stomachache (shocker!) and I wasn't able to accomplish anything I had set out to do. While putting Baby down for a nap I found myself feeling like a miserable failure and the tears began to flow.
"Stop crying, you idiot!!" I scolded myself. "Answer the door with red eyes and a splotchy face so she can ask what's wrong. That's all you need!" I tried to suck it up. But my eyes were like two leaky faucets, unable to stop dripping. So I decided to let it out. I could always lie and tell her my allergies were really bad.
What is it about me that delights in other's struggles? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to see anyone really suffer. But I would have loved for her to show up on my doorstep completely disheveld saying, "Man, the baby didn't sleep at all last night and I didn't even have the energy to shower. I left a dirty diaper laying on the kitchen counter and my bed unmade. Do you have a Wal-Mart sack so I can clean out the trash in my car real quick? Oh, yeah. Can I borrow a maxi pad?" I might have kissed her perfectly manicured big toe if she had. I just need to see some reality now and then.
After a nice little breakdown, my head cleared a bit and I was able to put some perspective on the situation. I couldn't believe I had let myself get so worked up about something so silly. This is who I am. Flighty. Unorganized. Compulsive. Completely out of control. Every day I work toward being better. However, I will never be one of those women who keep it all together in a lovely, little designer package. Why have I let her put pressure on me to be something I'm not? Or maybe I'm the one who's putting on the pressure.
I got up, dried my eyes and didn't even dab on concealer. I moved the laundry basket from the couch to my room so she would have a place to sit and let the rest go. Not even a Clorox wipe to the toilet.