Monday, July 10, 2006

Guilty Pleasure

I have a confession. I like to look at tabloid covers when I'm in the checkout line at the grocery store.

C'mon. Be honest. You do it, too.

I try not to be obvious, though. I stand in front of Better Homes and Gardens and pretend to care about doing my own home improvements or whether or not I'm raising spoiled brats, but I'm actually looking out of the corner of my eye at the Star magazine caddy corner down from it and wondering which mystery celebrity is wearing that bikini and cellulite on her thighs. Yikes! Is that how Cameron Diaz looks without makeup? And don't even get me started on Star Jones.

Now those really stupid stories, like alien babies and 7,000 pound people don't interest me at all. I'm no idiot. I mean, I know the difference between reality and a plain, bald-faced lie. I'm an intellectual, for cryin' out loud.

What?! Lindsay Lohan was spotted with a new tatoo while shopping for cleaning products at Target with Johnny Depp and his secret love child named Nissan?

Now there's a story.

I was in Barnes and Noble the other night with a friend. We had gathered up tons of books on writing, getting published and the like. We sat in the cafe, sometimes chatting, sometimes sitting in silence, soaking up the written words like a Bounty towel on spilled Kool-Aid. During one of our conversations the subject matter turned to children. Imagine that. She began to pour out her heart about the struggles she's having with her pre-teen daughter. I sat listening intently as she described the pain and angst of life with a hormonal girl. At times, even tearing up with emotion. Suddenly, in mid-sentence, her gaze fixed over my shoulder and her jaw dropped. "Oh my gosh!" she exclaimed.

What? A spider on my shoulder? A 7,000 pound man? What?

"Jen and Vince are getting married?!" She jumped up from her seat and ran to grab the magazine with the jarring headline, bringing it back to the table to devour every seedy detail. She flipped through quickly, anxious to get the skinny on the wedding plans.

I couldn't believe it. Her. My smart, bookish friend with wisdom beyond her years. Honestly, I couldn't believe she even knew who Vince was. Here she was, pouring over the article as if her very being depended on knowing this juicy bit of gossip.

As it turns out, it was all a hoax. The article was just a sneaky way to get you to pick up the magazine. And she fell for it. Hook. Line. And sinker.

"You want to read it?" she asks, handing it to me.

"No," I snort haughtily. As if I care about Jen and Vince.

"But I do want to look at the fashions at the beginning. You flipped through those too fast."

Seriously. Did you see what Keira Knightly wore to her movie premiere?

18 comments:

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

Guilty here too. Shhh...don't tell anyone this, but after I read the news headlines first thing in the morning I go straight to the daily celebrity gossip page on MSNBC. Shhhhh.....

LiteratureLover said...

"She" fell for it? Let's see, as I recall, you hurried around the table, sat right beside "her" and devoured the article before "she" was finished.

Speaking of writing articles, I think you better add Star Magazine to that list. ;)

Daddyman said...

Man, it's so dark in this closet...I thought I was all alone. I think you really need to be a little more open about this. I have LOTS of fun exclaiming the headlines at nearly the top of my voice. I usually get whacked about the time I reach for it...because the one time I connected I started reading the article to the entire grocery store! Sometime my wife and I are on different planes when it comes to humor. I'm on "AIRPLANE" and she is in that painting of the Farmer and his wife with the real stoic faces! HAHAHHAHAHA. Irecently read an article about the papparazzi...guess what he caught Lindsay Lohen drinking a beer! and she's only 19!! Have a good one.

Clemntine said...

I love me some People Magazine on AOL. I'm not proud of it, for sure, but I am drawn in by it.

Really, for the most part, I do feel sorry for people who can't get a moment's privacy. However, I'm pretty sure that if I'm Britney (which, for the record, I *SO* am *NOT*), I'm going to assume that the helicopter flying overhead really is taking pictures of me in my convertible with my improperly-restrained infant.

Not that there's any mom out there who hasn't made mistakes and errors in judgement (usually in the same hour). But think of all the celebrities who have children and who don't appear on People Magazine endangering their children several times in a few weeks' span.

And don't even get me started on Star Jones.

;~D

me said...

not only do i look at the headlines...DIRECTLY, sometimes i pick them up and read them, and if i'm on vacation and noone knows me, i buy like every single one!!!! plus i look forward to people coming in the mail a whole lot more than time. we are all guilty

jesprincess said...

JOHN! (That was me elbowing him) I was just about to tell the same story, except I am not the farmer's wife. In my picture I am the wife of a celebrity who can't stand those terrible headlines. heehee I love you honey.

Jen said...

HA! Thanks for always providing me with a laugh in my day...and a little suspicion that you are peeking into my life! :-) I love People magazine, but normally read my step-mom's copy...the other day I bought one, and my hubby asked why I was suddenly buying People. I said, "I'm not 'suddenly buying' it. I wanted to read the article on Kathryn McPhee's bulemia..." Yeah...that's it...

Andreia said...

I have been having pangs all day because I kept trying to access your site and you were not there. Where were you? It was terrible. So glad you're alive!

No, I never ever read those things ever. I have no idea whether or not Angelina's dad has seen the baby or if Julia was out with her daughter in Taos. Nope. None whatsoever.

soulreavers said...

oh, i blatantly look over the headlines as I wait in line. I even pick up "The Globe" and "National Enquirer" every once in awhile. How else are you to keep your sanity when you are stuck behind the lady with 13,000 items in her cart...and she has coupons for every last one.

SuperMom said...

Careful. That lady would be me.

Michelle said...

You mean Vince and Jen aren't getting married?? I read that headline too and told Spencer that our look-a-likes were finally tying the knot. :)

Bttrfly1976 said...

That's too funny. I totally pretend not to be scanning the covers, while I totally am. There like vacuums, they just suck me in. I had Andreia's problem today, too. I couldn't get on your page for some reason, relieved the torment is over now.

thebarefootpoet said...

See, I really like the spider boy, alien supermen covers. Reminds me of the good old days when tabloids were full of ridiculous stuff, less gossip and slander. I'm not really in to looking at celebrities and evaluating haircuts and the like...so, is there a snowballs chance I'd look anything like Brad Pitt if cut my hair real short and scruffed out a little? On second thought, don't answer that, I'm fragile.

But Momma said...

Hey Daddyman, my husband too!
Although, I have to say I DO want to know whose got all that cellulite! :) Anything to make ME feel better about ME!

Mama C-ta said...

OMG this made me laugh. I went to the store to "pick up a few things", sans kid and husband on a Friday night and I got totally busted by a friend and her husband while hanging out at the grocery store reading the celeb gossip. My wild and crazy Friday night!

Michelle said...

I have to one up the confession. Every once and a blue moon I will, for no reason at all except to update my "junk" file in my head, pick up a "people" type magazine. I don't really favor one over another, no "National Enquirer" though.

But this last week I TOOK ONE OF THESE MAGS FROM THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE! But it had the page ripped out of Angelina's new baby.

I don't do it enough though oviously - I don't even know who Star Jones is.

yerdoingitwrong said...

I adore those magazines. Well, actually I love US and PEOPLE. The others seem too tabloid-y. They are my vice. My in the sun reading if you will. My break from the real world. I admit it. And I believe about 1/2 of what it's there. =)

jessica said...

Me too Me too! I love to read the headlines... but I rarely pick up the goofy thing and read it!