Sunday, December 11, 2005

Feelin' Funky

And unfortunately, it's not the good, gotta boogie, kind of funky.

Every now and then I am overcome by insecurity. There are days I just feel like I am totally on the wrong track and I need to do a complete turnaround and get myself together. And even as I am typing, there is a little voice telling me that I should be careful what I share. There are people who will read this that thought I was wonderful and if they really know who I am, they won't like me. But I am at a place in my life where I just want to be real with people. So, stop reading if you don't want in :-)

Lately I've been wrestling with some issues of my own self-centerdness. What does it mean to be selfless? What does it mean to love God above all? How do I put Him first in every aspect of my life? The past couple of weeks have been like a slow downward spiral into a little bit of depression. I find myself desperately trying to get away from my life. I don't even want to say that, because I love my family...I love what I do. But I've been feeling trapped in a world of little people wondering who the heck I am and what kind of an impact do I have on the world around me. It's difficult to see yourself as a light in the world, when you don't feel like a part of the world. I feel like I am back in the bubble. I do want to be home with my kids. I want to homeschool them. But I don't want to go back to surrounding myself with "church people" and living the life of the good little Christian mommy that doesn't have a clue about what's really going on around her. And the truth is, I do want to just get out and be around other people and not wear my mom hat every so often. I find myself angry at times that I haven't had any time to do the things I want to do...the things I enjoy, or used to. And I'm just tired of feeling like a single mom. And then comes the guilt. Why does it always come back to me? Now, if I were a really spiritual person, I should take this to God, right? I feel lonely and isolated, so I should look to Him to fill that need. He should be all I need, shouldn't He? So why doesn't it seem like He is enough?


LiteratureLover said...

Tough thoughts. God is enough but He also created a beautiful thing called community so that we would not have to walk through these things alone. We have your back. Love ya.

janiners said...

on the morning after such a yucky day myself, i find your thoughts refreshing and encouraging. :-) i don't think any of us will ever completely move beyond those feelings you describe. according to what you are saying, my "being out with people" would help me to see how I am/can be a light, but it doesn't always. i think i can always find things I'd rather be doing or even things that seem to have more value, even if I'm grateful and most days enjoy what God has assigned me to do. Kyle talked about this a couple Sundays ago, when he talked about how God specifically chose Joseph to be Jesus' father. God has chosen us to be where we are, and even though I sometimes want to defy being comforted by that thought (because I'm not enjoying it or because I'd rather be somewhere else more accomodating or adventurous), most times I am.

i also think our vision about ourselves is more narrow looking out from ourselves than it is from people who look at us. because it's easier for me to see sometimes how God is working in others' lives than it is for me to acknowledge His work in my own. does that make sense? it's so easy for me to see where God has placed you, supermom, to see where your heart is, and how He is working in your life to accomplish His will for the community of people He's placed you in and the world. not that it's all about YOU, but that it IS about Him.

i am so very grateful for our incredibly strong, tightly-knit community of people, because I never could have done what I did yesterday with anyone else.

i think my sentiments are similar to litlover - we really do have your back, girl. love ya LOTS!

heartsjoy said...

I know what you mean and I have felt in a trap at times myself. I'm glad you are opening up and sharing. All of us need breaks. I know you want to be there for hubby and kids but I found when I had young ones I needed a Mommy's Day out desperately. AND, they needed me to have that outing because it was better for all. My husband was in a church plant and working a lot and gone a lot. I needed a break. We were broke but I applied at a Mothers Day Out for a scholarship. Humbling but necessary. I also checked your area with a nanny's site and they have some that babysit for the alloted time you pick. Some cheaper some more expensive but looked like a couple of great candidates in Tulsa. It would be so great to have someone come and take care of kids at least once a week so you could focus on house or just get out a few hours. I know money can be an issue but I would encourage you to talk to hubby and really share your heart and your needs. I don't think it is selfish to have a time of renewal. It is hard to depend on God when you don't even have a moment to really be quiet and meditate with him. He is a God of grace, He knows your needs. I will be praying for wisdom in what you should do or not do. Another suggestion is a MOmmy's group where kids can play and MOmmy's talk. This can sometimes be more stressful but if you are social it sometimes helps to get out with other MOmmy's. I think for me, knowing I would have that alone time helped me during the time I was with kids. I knew my break would be coming. :) You are a wonderful Mother who loves her kids deeply. I think this job can be the most challenging and rewarding. It is natural to feel the way you do and God can lead you.