And unfortunately, it's not the good, gotta boogie, kind of funky.
Every now and then I am overcome by insecurity. There are days I just feel like I am totally on the wrong track and I need to do a complete turnaround and get myself together. And even as I am typing, there is a little voice telling me that I should be careful what I share. There are people who will read this that thought I was wonderful and if they really know who I am, they won't like me. But I am at a place in my life where I just want to be real with people. So, stop reading if you don't want in :-)
Lately I've been wrestling with some issues of my own self-centerdness. What does it mean to be selfless? What does it mean to love God above all? How do I put Him first in every aspect of my life? The past couple of weeks have been like a slow downward spiral into a little bit of depression. I find myself desperately trying to get away from my life. I don't even want to say that, because I love my family...I love what I do. But I've been feeling trapped in a world of little people wondering who the heck I am and what kind of an impact do I have on the world around me. It's difficult to see yourself as a light in the world, when you don't feel like a part of the world. I feel like I am back in the bubble. I do want to be home with my kids. I want to homeschool them. But I don't want to go back to surrounding myself with "church people" and living the life of the good little Christian mommy that doesn't have a clue about what's really going on around her. And the truth is, I do want to just get out and be around other people and not wear my mom hat every so often. I find myself angry at times that I haven't had any time to do the things I want to do...the things I enjoy, or used to. And I'm just tired of feeling like a single mom. And then comes the guilt. Why does it always come back to me? Now, if I were a really spiritual person, I should take this to God, right? I feel lonely and isolated, so I should look to Him to fill that need. He should be all I need, shouldn't He? So why doesn't it seem like He is enough?