Monday, December 19, 2005


Daddy's Girl...I always wanted to be one. But I can't say that I ever was. My dad drank a lot in the early part of my childhood, and I have some vivid memories of what that was like. The last time I remember him drinking was when I was about seven. He had come home drunk and had it out with my mom. He ended up leaving and she took me and my brother to my grandma's. My older sister had been on a date and she met us there. It was the end for Mom. She told him that night--after he found us--that if he didn't stop drinking, we were gone for good. Well, that did it for him. He stopped. Though life was better at home, he was still gruff and distant. I remember longing for a close, affectionate relationship with him, but that relationship never came to be.

Dad is a wonderful grandpa. He worships my girls and showers them with kisses and complete adoration. I am so glad he does. But today I felt like I was fourteen again...dying for a word, a look from him that would deem me as special to him. Instead, I seemed invisible. We all have our issues, including my dad. I know how he was raised and can understand why he is the way he is. Most days I can take this into consideration and make due with our relationship. Today, I couldn't. Today I couldn't step back and see that he is a person with faults and shortcomings. I could only see him through the eyes of the needy daughter.

I love him. And I don't blame him. I know he did the best he could with what he had. There were times growing up he was very sweet and tender to me. I cling to those memories now to remind me that he did, and still does, love me.


janiners said...

Thank you for being so open. I love you, girl.

LiteratureLover said...

I wish there was something else I could say other than, I'm sorry. I think it's good that you're honest with your feelings. But it's still hard to deal with. :(

Shehopper said...

I can really sympathize with you today. I too long for that glance from my father. I only see him about once a year and the problem now is that he has too many kids to worry about the oldest. I will every once in a while have a pitty party. He has a new life and a new family and sometimes that is hard to take. I really only want him to treat my half brother and half sisters better than he treated the four of us. I see so many of the same things dealing with my kids relationship with thier mother and it makes me sad. I want it better for them.

heartsjoy said...

Thank you for sharing so beautifully that longing loving girl's heart!