Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Politics As Usual

I know right away when a telemarketer calls my house. It's the last name. It trips 'em up every time.

So when What's His Face from the Blah Blah National Committee called to solicit money for his policital party today, the jig was up.

"Hello. May I speak to Mr. or Mrs. (fumbles for the right pronunciation)...."

I don't offer to save him. I simply sit and wait.

"...uh, how do you say it?"

" (Insert tricky, awkward to pronounce Czech name here.)"

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I'm terrible with names."

"That's okay." It's really not.

Then he goes into his speel about how important it is for his political party to win and how in order to do that, they need funding.

There it is. The magic word. Funding.

"Could we count on you for a contribution of just $75?"

"No. I'm sorry. I can't."

"Well, how about $50? And you wouldn't even have to pay today."

"No, I'm sorry. My husband is a student and we have small children. I really can't."

"(slight chuckle) Well, even I can afford $50, and I have two kids in college."

"Yes, but you probably make more than $9 an hour."

"No, ma'am. I'm a volunteer."

"Good for you. I'm not giving you money today. I'm sitting here because I can't afford to put gas in my car."

"Yes, the gas prices are impacting everyone. I'm just doing my job..."

"Look, genius. We are broke. Perhaps you would rather I give you $50 instead of pay my electric bill so my children and I can die from heat exhaustion in the 102 degree heat. Maybe I should give you $50 and feed my family with the can of green chilis sitting in my pantry and a boiled egg. I know you hear 'I can't afford it' all the time. It's a cute line people use to get you off the phone. But it is, in fact, my reality. And no, you are not 'just doing your job', you moronic low-life, you VOLUNTEERED to call and harass me for money!! I HAVEN'T HAD MY ROOTS DONE IN EIGHT WEEKS!!! If I had $50 to spare, I'd donate it to my hairdresser!! If you're lookin' for money, call the CEO of Exxon. I hear he had a GREAT year!!!!! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!"

Now, what I really said...

Click.

I like the fantasy version better.

23 comments:

Christine said...

Too funny! I also have a hard to pronounce Czech name... it gets telemarketers every time. Being a stay at home mom with two blessings, I am with you all the way about not being able to make a donation.Blessings!

Wendy said...

I liked the fantasy version better too! I get those calls even after being on a 'do not call list.'

Andrea said...

That's exactly what I want to say too. Usually I have to tell them no six times before I just say sorry and hang up. Why do I say sorry? What am I sorry for? THEY are the ones who are bothering ME! Thanks for the laugh!

SaraJo said...

Isn't having a tricky, awkward to pronounce name great sometimes? (Mine is German though) After they butcher my name I usually dryly say, 'Nice try on that name, but we're not interested.' Ahhh, the little joys...

jesprincess said...

I like to start asking them questions. I start with, "Who am I speaking with, please?" Then I go on to, "I'm sorry, who are you calling for?" Then I ask for their shone number and how much money they make each year. I have actually had them hang up on me. It is fun to screw with them when I have the time, when I don't have the time I just hang up.

jesprincess said...

Sorry, PHONE number.

Mama of 2 said...

I loved the fantasy version!
I say xerox it and tape it next to the phone for future reference.

Laura said...

Both my oldest sister & I have very hard to pronounce names (hers is German, mine is Italian) - so when someone calls her & totally flubs the name, she just tells them, "I'm sorry, there is no one here by that name..." and hangs up. I mean, really, it's not a lie...

I usually have my almost-five-year-old answer the phone - they ALWAYS hang up on him, because he asks too many questions before handing over the phone. :-) "Who are you, where do you live, why do you want to talk to my mommy?" - and my favorite line ever - "please don't call us again, we don't have any money to buy anything"! (For real - he really, honestly said that to someone - "little heads have big ears", you know - that had hubby & I laughing for hours...)

Michelle- This One's For The Girls said...

GO Supermom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But Momma said...

Fantasy ROCKS! I'm always too polite to the phone solicitors, but I think I might have gone off on him if when he said "Even I've got..."

THE NERVE!

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

Oh I swear, if you would REALLY say that to one of those folks I think I'd send YOU $50!

Valarie said...

I so know where you're coming from. I grew up with a Czech last name and you could tell instantly if it was a legit call.

I'm loving your fantasy response. I may have to paste a copy by the phone so I can recite it.

SuperMom said...

my hot wife kicks ass. now, you know a bit more why i am returned to the democrat party. there is nothing common about the republicans except they whore out to more people than prostitutes on the street.

in Jesus' name..........

.............hubby of supermom

Mommy the Maid said...

I am so mean to telemarketers when I acctually have the energy to tell them that my last name is pretty damn simple and wonder what kind of moron would pronounce it wrong. If I tell you once that I am not interested or that I cannot give funding at this time, and you keep going. You are going to get an earful from "The Mouth".

Anonymous said...

I used to work for a telemarketing firm. Here is the secret for them to stop calling...

Ask them for a copy of their "Do Not Call Policy". That simple.

You have to remember that there is more than one list. Where I worked, there were at least 25 being used. You could be on all 25 - depending on the company they're calling "on behalf of". So, once you have this policy, post it next to your phone. The next time they call (you must document everything), you tell them you have a copy of the companys "do not call policy" and almost immedately, they'll apologize and hang up.

Secrets from the inside...feels very "James Bond"-ish. LOL!!!!

Heth said...

Caller Id. The best money I ever spent.

Cheerio's on my butt? said...

Rock on! I love your fantasy version!

heartsjoy said...

Hey! That would be a great script when they are reading their script! I think I will copy it and put it on my fridge for the next call....;)

Bttrfly1976 said...

If I don't know the name on caller id, I never answer. Call me stubborn!

Andreia said...

Superhubby,
As a former GOP operative, I can tell you that the dems are just as bad. Its simply a matter of where you live if you get more Republican calls or Dem calls.

My granddad was a big donor to everything. When he passed away they haunted my grandmother with phone calls for him. It was emotionally tough for her to keep getting those calls and letters. She kept sending notes until finally I stepped in and with one VERY irrate phone call to a big-wig acquaintance ended it all.

Anyway there are lots of other reasons to switch, just dont count on zero calls from the donkey dudes.

Oh yea, your wife is HOT!

yerdoingitwrong said...

hehe. I love it.

HeartsDesire said...

ROFLOL, I LOVE the fantasy version. Don't you hate it when people try to harass you on the phone and think it will work? How rude!

momsrdomesticengineers said...

Never signed up for a blog but this one seems worthy of my time. I just had to add the way we handle telemarketing calls. As it pops up on the caller ID we answer... "Thank You For calling the Goodwill Donation line, How much will be your donation today". It's a automatic click.