Thursday, August 03, 2006

I Never Shower Alone

There was a time in my life if I wanted a shower, I took one. And I didn't have any company in there with me, unless they were invited. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge.

But that was another time. Another place. And today taking a shower is about as easy as performing brain surgery on a gnat. It requires so much planning and effort, I'd almost rather stink.

I said "almost".

I have been trying to take my showers at night, because morning around here is far from leisurely. I hit the ground running. And finding a good time to break and practice some hygiene can easily take a backseat to things like breakfast, chores and just your basic, run-of-the-mill craziness.

However, the evening is my "me" time. I usually blog, read blogs, make hairbows, blog, blog, watch TV and blog in that time. And I find myself enjoying that time so much, I never want it to end. It isn't unusual for me to look bleary-eyed at the clock and wonder why my head is bobbing only to find it is 1 a.m. And by that time, if I shower, I may fall asleep and drown.

This morning I could stand the smell of myself no longer. I had to shower. I was starting to draw flies. Brother and Sister were playing well together, so I put up the baby gates to keep Baby contained to the playrooom and the bathroom.

That was my first mistake.

When I got in the shower, Baby was amusing herself by terrorizing her siblings. I figured that would keep her busy for awhile.

That was my second mistake.

Brother and Sister soon figured out they could climb over the gates, leaving Baby in her own little prison while they played freely on the other side. Seeing they weren't interested in being terrorized, Baby decided to see what I was up to in the bathroom.

(insert foreboding, horror film music here)

She begins by pulling back the shower curtain - the fabric one, not the plastic liner - and yells, "Mama!" as if to say, "What the heck do you think you're doing in there without my permission?"

Okay, it's cute the first time.

"Hi, Punkin!" I say sweetly, with a smile. "I see you!" She laughs and closes the curtain. Then she yanks it open again with a grin. Obviously she interpreted my response as an invitation to play. "Go play with your blocks," I say, not quite as sweetly, but still smiling. She closes the curtain and toddles off.

Soon I hear the water in the bathroom sink running. I peek out to find Baby standing on the toilet, splashing joyfully in the water. "Get down!" I say. She is oblivious. I step out of the shower, dripping puddles on the floor, grab her arm and and put her down, giving her a little push toward the door.

Back in the shower, I hear arguing and then Sister yells, "Mo-m! Brother tried to hit me!" "Be kind to each other!" I yell back.

But wait, I'm not alone.

I discover Baby, who has taken my towel, wrapped it around her shoulders like a cape and appears to be leaving with it. "Hey, bring that back here!" I say. She turns and holds it out to me. "Dada!" "No, that's mine. Put it back, please." And she does.

You know that place on the toilet between the tank and the rim? Where the seat attaches with those screw-like things? That place little boys can't seem to miss? That place that always seems to be a little crusty?

That's where she put my towel.

"Thank you, honey."

Now I'm attempting to shave my legs, which is fascinating stuff to a curious 20-month-old. She has pulled the shower curtain back again, this time getting the plastic liner so water is spraying out onto the floor. With shaving gel all over my hands I grab the liner and pull it closed. If I don't get my legs shaved, someone is bound to mistake me for half grizzly and I'll end up on the cover of one of those tabloids you see at the supermarket checkout stand.

But Baby is determined to help. She opens the curtain again, but this time has my pajamas, which I left on the floor and is trying to throw them in with me. "No, no, honey. I don't need those right now," I try to explain. But she's sure they belong in there with me. Finally, I take them. "Thank you!" She flashes me a grin, satisfied she has fulfilled her duties and goes back to yelling at Brother and Sister over the baby gate. I toss the pajamas back to the floor.

Finally, I am able to finish the task at hand, with only a few knicks. I think I got it all. But at this point, who cares? Exfoliation? No way. Deep conditioning hair treatment? Get real. I got wet. I got a little soap on me. And I shaved my legs...or shaved at them, rather. At this stage in life, it's the most I can hope for.

27 comments:

Michelle- This One's For The Girls said...

Get thyself a playpen, dear girl. My bathtime is my 2nd favorite time of the day--right up there with blogging.

When I temporarily lose my mind and let baby be in the bathroom at the same time that I'm bathing--she tries to empty the entire contents of the trashcan into the tub. Ewwwww.

Valarie said...

peek-a-boo with the shower curtain is my 20 month old's favorite game these days as well. I just live with the stench until naptime.

Anonymous said...

This is a classic "mom to young ones" post!! So funny!!

Wendy said...

Did I write this?

The Human Napkin said...

Hee hee, the tub in the kids' bathroom is out of commission right now (new floor going in veeerrrry slowly), so we've been using the shower stall in the master bath. What's more fun than showering with little faces peering through the glass at me? Umm, that would be trying to give my three-year-old daughter a shower. It's like trying to shower a cat.

Shayne said...

Hooting....I'm HOOTING I tell ya!

Girl, you are so funny.

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

I am laughing so hard, because almost that exact scenario happened to me earlier this week. I think we should market t-shirts that say, "GIVE ME A BREAK--I stink because I'm a mom and no one would let me take a shower."

Rabbit said...

I was already chuckling, but "someone is bound to mistake me for half grizzly" sent me over the edge into hysteria. Sorry, don't mean to laugh at your fuzzy expense!

The Flip Flop Mamma! said...

My baby is only 8 months old, and I have big sister who is almost 10, so I can shower when I want to right now. Once schools back in session, that will be when I'm showering at midnight. Or at all. sometimes when it's late at night you just don't feel like getting in the shower!!I feel for ya!!

LiteratureLover said...

One word: Playpen

(I see Michelle beat me to it.)

Amy said...

LOL! Yep, I echo the playpen - which is great until they secretly learn to climb out while you're in the shower!

Bttrfly1976 said...

lol, I don't love it when kids feel the need to come in and out of the bathroom a million times while I 'try' to bathe. They should make baby gates for big kids. Call them, 'not a baby anymore, but still too young to know they should stay out,' gates

Diana said...

you got to shave? Call me the hairy legged green-eyed monster! LOL!

lars said...

you mentioned that you made headbands....could you send me one?
lars_xc54@yahoo.com

jessica said...

I afree with michelle... but I don't know.. my kids are 8 and 5 and I rarely get an uninterrupted shower! I need... is usually the phrase I hear. If it isn't them it is hubby, though, so does that mean I will NEVER get an uninterrupted shower?

Mommy the Maid said...

Oh man. I have to live through the same thing almost every day. Advnetures in showering is a daily sit com in mom world.

BTW...I am not ignoring you and your fabulous bows, I swear. This week has been rough with my new site, Little Bear being sick and getting Turtle ready for school.

Mama of 2 said...

Oh Supermom can I just say your little ditty had me rolling with laughter. I could see every scene of what you were describing as it happened.

You share your shower with baby and well I mostly share mine with a 55lb Siberian Husky who knows how to open the sliding shower door so he can help himself to a drink of water.
I'm not sure which one of us has it worse. LOL

RANDI said...

HaHaHa! Maybe you could try running through the sprinkler with the kids--just carry a bar of soap with you! ;)

Heather said...

Try taking a shower when you have a waterbaby 3 1/2 year old - I just hope she doesn't announce to the Pastor that she took a shower with Mommy before church (and you should have seen the discussion THAT began!!!)

Tracie said...

I am sorry to say that I laughed...out loud...at your tragedy. I only shower at naptime!

HeartsDesire said...

ROFLOL. Yeah and after all that you probably had to clean up the water on the bathroom floor. Ever get a clean towel?

Christina said...

Oh boy do I know the feeling. I live in Hawaii so there are lots of times I wear shorts or sleevless shirts and I have been known to shave my legs in the bathroom sink while trying to watch the kids, just so I can get to the bus stop on time.

Wendy said...

So funny! I remember those days! My "baby boy" is now 6 yrs old but still tries to "check on me", usually as I am getting out of the shower to get dressed!

Heth said...

Oh my gosh that is awesome.
Great post!

Andrea said...

I am so excited to see that there are other moms out there having the same stench problem. I just didn't think it would be so difficult to take a shower! At least there are moms out there who understand why I look so awful at the grocery store!

Sarah said...

Practically the only time I get to shower uninterrupted is at the gym. Although the other day they paged me right as I got my hair wet (the point of no return) because of a poopy diaper. Whatever. He can sit in it for a while...

And my husband thinks I'm the only one who smells.

honey said...

Oh this cracked me up! I sometimes have a little one in the shower with me (that is the only way to keep little hands out of the toilet, trash etc). I don't get to potty alone either, but then neither do you I guess. :) You will have plenty of fun stories to share when they are grown up!