Monday, June 05, 2006

Lost: Waistline

I've lost my waist. I know I used to have one. I have pictures to prove it. But it's gotten away from me somehow. It is nowhere to be found.

On a related subject, I found a bag of M&M's today I had hidden from the kids and forgot about. I put the sweeties to bed at 7:45 this evening and inhaled the bag in about 0.25 seconds. However, it was just a small bag, so it only left me wanting more.

Now, what was I saying about my waist?

I didn't realize it was gone until I recently went looking for a dress to wear in my sister's upcoming wedding. I am her matron of honor.

Matron. That word conjures up images of hair slicked into a tight, little bun and eyeglasses on a chain.

Anyway, she won't be having any bridesmaids, so I get to pick what I want to wear, as long as it's lavender. Initially, I was kind of excited. I haven't worn a dress of any kind in about three years. The thought of getting to pick out a beautiful, evening gown sort of dress and have a reason to get all girlied up made me giddy.

Well, that didn't last long. Shopping for a beautiful, lavender, flattering dress was almost as painful as shopping for a swimsuit. See, I'm not a 21-year-old size 4, which is who all the pretty dresses are made for. The dresses in my size seemed to be very fitting of the word "matron". Actually, they were very fitting of the word "tent", too, which is what I was considering after a day of shopping.

"Hello? Bass Pro Shop? Yes, do you carry the Coleman Montana Big Sky tent in lavender?"

I came home discouraged and disappointed. The truth is, instead of an hourglass, I look like a sausage. A bratwurst, if you may. No waist.

So, after complaining to my hairdresser, she rescued me from having to go back out on the frontlines of dress shopping. Turns out her daughter was in a wedding last year and has a lovely, lavender bridesmaid dress in my size. It fits. It's pretty. And it's strapless, showing off the batwings I have grown on the underside of my upper arms.

Now, what to do about my farmer tan?

Oh, yeah. If you happen to see my waist, please tell it to come home. I miss it very much.

28 comments:

Bttrfly1976 said...

At least you got past your 'blogger's block.' Gotta look for the positive right. I try to just not shop for clothes anymore, and swimsuits, oh good night nurse. It is like some secret form of punishment thought up specifically for women consumers no longer in thier 'prime.'

Everyday Mommy said...

Okay! Gasping for air! Laughing so loud I woke my sleeping child! Stop, stop, please stop!

thebarefootpoet said...

Bratwurst. That freakin' killed me. And bat wings. I am rolling on the ground.

carrie said...

Two words: self tanner. That will get rid of the farmer tan.

When I find my waist, I'll be sure to holla from the mountaintops that all waists should return to their rightful owners, we need them. LOL

Mama of 2 said...

Oh thanks for the chuckle on a day when I don't really want to be at the office.

I agree with you on the word matron. A year and a half ago I was in my sister's wedding and I was The Matron of Honor and I literally cringed every time those words were said. I didn't feel matronly....and I didn't want to be called it either. For me it equates to being called Mam -- drives me BATTY!!

As for your missing waist....mine is starting to play hide and seek with me as well. I need to do something about that...if I only could find the time.

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

That is the funniest thing I've read in ages...thank you!

Cheerio's on my butt? said...

Ha! I think my waist ran off with yours as well. I got love handles in it's place! Glad you found a dress! I'm still searching for one that doesn't say "OLD FART" or "I wanna Look Like My Mom!" all over it!

Shayne said...

Hmmm...The Matron of Honor...sounds like a Hitchcock film doesn't it? *shudder*

Personally, I think waists are mythological creatures. So are washboard abs and "Buns of Steel". THEY DON'T EXIST!! At least, that's what I tell myself to get through the day.

But then again, at 4pm everyday I begin to bang my head on my desk and chant pathetically "There's no place like home, there's no place like home..." so I may not be the best person to take advice from.

LiteratureLover said...

A tent from Bass Pro Shop, now there's an idea! L Thanks for the laugh.

humpty said...

You might have left your waist out here at my house, I'm missing mine, too. I'll go look for it when it stops raining.

P.S. I get bloggers block, too. Mineis not peace and calm, it is numbness. :)

Gina said...

If you find yours, please let me know....maybe mine is hiding out in the same place! Great blog!

Heth said...

Sooo funny.

MommaB said...

Ouch! Ohh! Hey, watch it! Oh, geeze... hey, wait... gee thanks!! I laughed so hard while reading your site I split open the lavendar tent I'm wearing!!! Hilarious!

HeartsDesire said...

ROFLOL!!! I love the bass pro shop bit. Too funny! Maybe there are only enough wastes for the very young and old(er) people have to do without. Something to think about anyway.

jessica said...

Love the post... wondered where you had gone too! I love shopping but I hate buying clothes for myself! What happened to the hourglass figure I used to have? Oh yeah, it went the way of the husband and kiddos!

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

We're neighbors? Seriously? Are you in Oklahoma?

LOVE your blog.

Peach said...

So, so funny!! Found you via Shannon, and I'm so glad I did. This was hilarious!!

BTW, I think my waist is on vacation with yours and they both just downed a milkshake and pounder bag of M & M's!!

SuperMom said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Stephanie(Tifty) said...

Joining the crowd here laughing !

Anyway, waists are overrated. :)

Shalee said...

Okay, that is just down right hilarious... But the real question is do you have the shoes to pull off the bratwurst and batwings? Because everyone knows that sausages and wings disappear if you have the right adornment on your feet!

Wystful1 said...

I'm bouncing around the Blogging Chicks Carnival to day...enjoying what there is in the offerings of all the diverse and interesting choices!!! I added mine too.
HERE

Paula said...

I can soooo relate! I hate the low waist jeans and styles of today, which make me resemble to Goodyear tire man when I wear them!

~Jennifer said...

Oh honey, I feel your pain! I hate shopping for dresses, but it is fun to come blog about it. No end to the comic possibilities, eh? Thanks for making me laugh today.

JenLo said...

TOO funny! Love the Blogging Carnival today.

Karmyn R said...

I actually read this the day you posted - and am enjoying it again on the B.C. Carnival!! You got me giggling!

Shna said...

Reading my way through the Blogging Chicks Carnival!

Great post,LOL I have the same problem.

Tess said...

here from the blogging chicks carnival ... and rofl because I have the same missing waist... are they together?

Anonymous said...

Girl, you are a talented writer. You should put your blog entries in book form and publish it in book form. You would have a best seller!

PS. I'm over sixty, but not a librarian!