Friday, May 19, 2006

Laws of Nature

  1. It doesn't matter what you have to eat in your house, your children will always want something else. Scenerio at the breakfast table: "Good morning, my sweet little angelic babies! What wholesome, nutritious breakfast food would you like to eat?" "Cheerios." "Sorry, no Cheerios. How about frosted mini-wheats?" "I don't want that! I want Cheerios!" "Frosted mini-wheats or Rice Chex. Those are your choices." "How about Pop-Tarts?" "We don't have Pop-Tarts." "Don't we have Malt-O-Meal?" "I'm not making Malt-O-Meal. (through gritted teeth) Frosted mini-wheats or Rice Chex." "I want Cheerios!" Mom picks up the table and throws it through the window with a screech of rage and agony. Child picks the mini-wheats. Mother inquires again, "Now, my sweet, how about some juice with that?" "Do you have pineapple-orange?" "Yes, but it's not made. You may have white grape-peach." "But I want pineapple-orange!" Mother has a nervous breakdown and goes on a shooting spree.
  2. If you go anywhere looking like a bag lady, you will surely run into someone you know. I put on the clothes I hate most this morning, because they were all I had clean. The capri pants that make me look pregnant and the top that has the neck stretched out. My legs, unmoisturized and unshaven. My hair, pulled back in a clip to try to hide the gray roots peeking out, but falling out of the clip because it's not quite long enough to pull back. My face, sans makeup and spotted like a teenage boy's, featuring a huge zit the size of Krakatoa right next to my nose. I try to put on a little concealer, but it's one of those. No amount of concealer can tame it. So, I decide to run to the store really quick. And of course, I see three people I used to go to church with. One is a beautiful mom who is as big around as my thigh and looks 16. She is in shorts, a T-shirt and ponytail, but instead of looking like Ma Kettle's homeless cousin, like me, she looks like Cheerleader Barbie, fresh from practice. I want to say, "I don't really look like this all the time. I'm usually thirty pounds lighter with clear skin." or "I'm sorry, I think you have mistaken me for someone else." Now, had I actually put more than a millisecond into my appearance, I would have seen no one.
  3. No matter how sleepy your baby is in the car, they are wide awake the minute you lay them down in the bed. On the way home from the store, which is about 15 minutes from home, Baby starts to fall asleep. If she gets her cat nap in the car, she will not want to take a real nap at naptime. So, I swivel my arm around behind me, slapping at her feet, calling her name, trying to coax her from Dreamland. She looks up at me with heavy eyelids and then her neck goes limp and she's out again. I tickle her knee. Nothing. I yell her name. Nothing. The girl cannot be stirred. She doesn't even wake up when I unbuckle her and remove her from the carseat. She's like a dead fish. I carry her in, remove her shoes and lay her gently on the bed. BAM! Her eyes fly open and suddenly she is Speedy Gonzolas, "I don't need no steenking nap!"

23 comments:

joyfuljourney said...

Today I can relate to #2. This is the first day of summer (school's out), so there was no need for me to do hair and makeup, right? At 9:00 I was dressed with no makeup or contacts and had my wet hair wrapped in a towel. "Ding Dong" Oh crap, was that the doorbell? Did I mention that baby's diaper had been removed and not replaced yet? I must answer the door since the main door is open and the glass door is see-through! There's no place to hide! It takes half-naked baby 3 seconds to run to the door. Well, a lady from church is standing there smiling. She wanted to stop by and see what the pastor's wife looked like at 9:00 in the morning! As we chatted at the open door DS fondled himself - because that's what naked boys do!

It's a good thing I really like this woman, because what she did could be considered unforgivable!!!

Jana said...

Great post! Totally, 100% true!

LiteratureLover said...

Laughing. Thanks for tips. I was just heading out to the grocery store but now I'll make sure my make-up is on.

janiners said...

I loved #3! How funny; loved the speedy gonzales analogy! :-) and joyful journey's story i can totally relate to, especially about naked little boys! oh my word! can't say i ever knew how very fascinated little boys are with their anatomy until Ryan came along!

i can really relate to #2. it's a good thing no one I went to high school with lives remotely close to me or I'd never go out. that's another story.

Denise W. said...

I tried slamming on the brakes just yesterday. My 4 year old is giving up the nap so I try to keep her awake (or be awake until 10:30.) I swerved a little, too.
Bad Mommy, bad Mommy...

Diana said...

YES. YES. and YES.
Amen.
You said it.
All true!!!
***Loved: "Mom picks up the table and throws it through the window with a screech of rage and agony." I always feel like doing that. I think I almost did once.

jesprincess said...

#1 is a personal favorite of mine. Doesn't it drive you nuts! "Look children I have made biscuits from scratch with hot sausage gravy and scrambled eggs!" The children say, "I want cereal." RRRAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

janjanmom said...

This is so my life, minus the nap scenario. My baby is five and naps are few and far between.

thebarefootpoet said...

My son found his, well, found his "new toy" in the bath a while back. I, as his mature father, congratulated him and told him that it's normal for all men, I mean boys, to regularly check to assure it hasn't moved. Thanks supermom and joyfuljourney for a great laugh.

carrie said...

OOOH, that last one has got to be the worst!! It NEVER fails.

Everyday Mommy said...

Ahh! I need to get you the new button code! Can't find your email address. Will you write to me?

everydaymommy@gmail.com

Belle-ah said...

Thanks for a much needed laugh!

Tammy M. said...

Great post!

Cheerio's on my butt? said...

Oh I'm soo glad you commented on my site! I was re-doing my sidebar because it went schizo and I knew there was one person missing that I wanted on there! So yay! Now you're on there! This post was very funny! I always laugh when I see your little profile picture because it captures how I feel most of the time. I thought I'd be cool and put my lips on my profile picture because I got bored with the avatar, but my lip looks hairy in it so I think I will take it down. Zits are waaay better than hairy lips, no? Of course I have both! Bleh.

Sweetpea said...

Loved your post...so true!
I find it amazing that when I do my hair for just around the house it looks wonderful but if I have to go somewhere my hair goes on strike and ends up looking half mohawk and half like I stuck a finger in the light socket!
Thanks for sharing!

Grafted Branch said...

All three are so frighteningly, "dead-on" true!

The fly on my wall must be talking.

I had to read these to my two oldest daughters, just so they would know that it's not just THEIR mother! lol.

jjofar said...

oh my! too funny!! just the other day i took the boys to the newly opened rec center mega-pool. every stay at home mom in town was there, and my little one managed to break in the new luxury family dressing room right with strawberry milk vomit. can't take 'em anywhere! :) coming your way soon and shehopper and i need to get in on a girl's night out!! let us know!

Michelle- This One's For The Girls said...

"Now, had I actually put more than a millisecond into my appearance, I would have seen no one."

How did you just sum up my entire life with one sentence??? :)

Mama of 2 said...

I loved your post. And it was so true. Thanks for it I really enjoyed it.

Rabbit said...

I am literally snorting with laughter. I live #1 every. Single. Day. Hubs is tired of replacing the table and the window. :D

Heth said...

Seriously. You are so right, and so funny. I love coming here.

Kristin said...

Too true! The other thing that always happens to me is if I am in the car singing some lame song at the top of my lungs and perhaps drumming on the steering wheel like I am a member of the band... I will look over at a red light and some "perfect" person I know will bein the car next too me, looking amused!

Nicole said...

I, too, have lived those laws of nature. I have to add that the one day I decide to put my kids in all their stained clothes is also the day that someone calls and wants to get together, NOW. I weigh the sides -- home alone with the kids or showing off my terrible laudry ability while having company. Needless to say, my friends know we're slobs!