I am so tired. I have had five hours of sleep and have been woke up five times by my children. Baby wakes me up every night, but tonight Sister joined the fun. Let's just say we're having potty issues and leave it at that. To make it worse, I had a horrible dream that woke me up once. Have you ever had a dream that made you wake up with a headache? This was so intense. It's like I was frowning in my sleep and now my head hurts. This is the dream:
I am at a dinner party with my baby. It's a house much like mine...small, old, but not run down. The neighborhood is full of houses that are the same. Not brand new, but tidy (not that my house is tidy, but you get the picture). The house is crowded with people, but there are two men that make me nervous. They don't mingle with everyone. Instead they are watching and whispering to each other. They walk around taking mental notes and just...observe. Somehow I figure out what they are up to. They plan to block both the front and back doors so no one can leave and then kill everyone. I head for the front door, but I'm met by one of the men, who casually tries to start a conversation with me to divert my attention. It doesn't work and I keep trying to get to the door. Realizing his casual attitude isn't cutting it, he resorts to physically blocking the door. The look between us tells us we know what the other is thinking. He knows I know, and he doesn't care. He's almost proud. The next thing that happens is I wake up in the house. It's dark and everyone is asleep all over the place. I figure we must have been drugged. I realize the front door isn't being guarded, but I see shadows at the back. I clutch my baby and quietly, but quickly run to the front door. I fumble with the lock, but manage to get out. I am running down the dark street as fast as I can, past dark houses where people are sleeping. Should I scream and wake someone up? I'll wait until I am farther away so the two men won't hear me. Suddenly I see a man in his yard waiting for me. I feel a wave of relief as I run up to him, but just before I get to him, I realize this man isn't going to help me. He is helping them. I try running into another yard, but it is fenced and hard to climb with my baby. I am trapped. This is where the dream takes a strange, yet amusing turn. He comes at me with flyswatters. He is trying to hit my baby with flyswatters. Well, that does it. Mama Bear rears her head. I grab them both away from him and start beating the crap out of him with the flyswatters. He is crouched on the ground crying when the police get there. I learn from the police that everyone in the house has been murdered and I start to cry. That 's when I am woke up by my three year old crying.
Speaking of tired, I have a friend who had a baby two weeks ago. I have known her for almost 7 years. Our sons have been playing together since they were babies. When I had my third and most high maintenance child, my social life declined. She was colicky, but mostly at night. I was exhausted, to say the least. Plus I had my two other children to take care of. It wasn't like I could just take a nap whenever. My plate was very full and I was in survival mode. I had a couple of friends who took personal offense that I didn't call them more and try to get together with them. She was one of them. Her first child is almost 7 and she has just had this little baby girl. Now her baby is up every hour or two wanting to eat and she is tired and emotional. She didn't call me...I called her. Okay, I know this is bad, but I'm feeling a little vindicated. Part of me is kind of glad that it's not going really smooth for her. But, at the same time, I feel bad for her. I remember those days, even though they do kind of run together in a sleep deprived haze. I will probably try to help her somehow, but again, I have this terrible little voice in my head that says, "See...I'm the better friend. I didn't get mad at you. I helped you. That's because I'm a good friend." This is where works gets in the way of grace. But can we honestly say that we truly do things for the right reasons? If I'm completely honest, I would say most of the time my motives are somewhat selfish...even if only a little. I guess it's a good thing God can work around all that junk.