I love the holidays. It truly is my favorite time of year. The weather gets a frosty snap to it. The air smells of fireplaces and wood burning stoves. The atmosphere is energized as people gather to celebrate and the drudgery of everyday life gives way to exciting plans and preparation. I love baking goodies with cinnamon and nutmeg that warm the house with anticipation. I love the lights, I love the music, I love the decorations. The first year I was married, I got so excited about putting up my very own Christmas tree, I put it up in October...before Halloween. November and December are my favorite months.
This year is different for me. It feels...flat. I feel like I have started out behind and tomorrow when I wake up I will have missed it. I just can't work up to the holiday spirit. I want to. I am genuinely looking forward to Thanksgiving and being with my family, even though my husband will be working. I have several recipes for things like Cranberry Chutney and Pumpkin Pie that I'm dying to try, even though I'm not sure I can afford the ingredients. It's been a difficult day in that it's one of those days on the roller coaster where you're coming to the bottom of the hill. You know there will be a curve and then you'll go up again. But coming down always scares the crap out of you. The past two and a half years have been so up and down you'd think I'd be used to it, but I'm longing for stability. I want off the coaster. Give me the Norman Rockwell holiday. Give me the life without care or worry. Give me the turkey with all the trimmings. See, no matter how much I try to focus on the good side of life, the pessimist in me always rears its ugly head and kicks the sunshine out of it all. I understand how very blessed I am. But I am also painfully aware of this struggle that seems to have no end. I shouldn't give in to this line of thought, but today I am. Today I want to be greedy and have everything my heart desires. Today I want it all and I'm pouty because I don't have it. Today I am wallowing in self-pity. Today I don't want to be cheered or comforted. Thanksgiving is coming and I'm finding it hard to be thankful. That makes me the biggest turkey of all.