Monday, November 14, 2005

Superman Meets Supermom

My husband works and goes to school full time. To say I am proud of him is an understatement. However, there are days I am jealous. Don't get me wrong...I love what I do. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I want to be home with my children. And I really do want to be Suzy Homemaker and have a welcoming haven for my man to come home to (even if it doesn't look the way it does on TV). But there are days when I feel alone and I just want another adult to talk to. I know he works hard and it is stressful to try to juggle it all. But at least he's out there with other people and can take a break and chat for a while. He gets to eat out and be a real grown up. If he wants to go window shopping between classes, he can (not that he ever would...but he could). He has more freedom than I. His day to day doesn't revolve around meeting someone else's need. He has time alone. I never have time alone. This is my version of his life. I'm sure his version would sound much different.

I am torn between what I want to do and what I can do. I know we are at a point in our lives that requires much of us. He has to give himself to carving out a better future for us. And I have to give myself to my family. It's exhausting for us both. My expectation is that he should come home and be so happy to see us and glad to be home that he leaves every care and every burden on the mat with his shoes. Then he will jump in and help with the housework and entertain the kids and give me a break. We all look forward to Daddy coming home. It's a high point in our day. When he doesn't enter the door as Superman, I am disappointed. Not just in him, but in myself. I think if I could just keep things neater he could relax more at home. If I were better at keeping the children under control he wouldn't feel so stressed. Today he snapped because the kids weren't doing what they were told. I took it as a personal offense, when he was trying to vent. But it somehow felt like it was my fault since I am the one with them most of the time. Aren't I responsible for their behavior? (My words, not his) I want to do it all and be it all, but I just can't. I want to juggle and be there for him and have all the ducks in a row and support him fully while he is trying to do so much. But I suppose I am more selfish than I care to admit, because I want him to be that for me, too. It seems that realizing my limits means accepting his as well.

It's a difficult dance...marriage. When he has a headache, I don't feel the freedom to mention that my head hurts, too, because I feel I should be supporting and caring for him. But inside I am angry because I want to be supported and cared for and now I can't be. He would never actually say he wanted me to support and care for him, but I hear it. It all sounds so ridiculous and stupid. It sounds like something I would correct my children for. I am trying to find it within myself to be selfless and giving. But the truth is, it's not within me. I have to continually look to God to work in and through me, because there is no good here.

No comments: