Monday, November 13, 2006

Die Another Day

I have never, ever, in my entire life been in an actual, physical fist fight with anyone.

Well, there was that incident in second grade where I bloodied Randy C.'s nose, but that wasn't really my fault. I mean, I told him to leave me alone.

However, tonight I came as close as I ever have been to clocking Mr. Whiney Government Man.

As I entered the classroom tonight, these were his completely ignorant, devoid of thought or common sense comments to me:

"Hey, I've got my grocery list with me! If you've got time to make a 94 on a test, you've got time to run to the store for me!" (insert insipid chortling here)

I'm a nice person.

I can take teasing.

But this...this made my blood boil.

On the outside, one would observe a quiet demeanor and a coy smile as I calmly took my seat, never raising my eyes to look at him because in actuality they might shoot real honest-to-God flames and incinerate his juvenile, condescending ass.*

Inside I was screaming and throwing desks. I was grabbing him by the throat. I was...well, it wasn't pretty.

"BOW WHEN YOU SPEAK TO ME, SWINE!!!!! I AM SUPERMOM, RULER OF ALL THINGS GOOD AND DOMESTIC! I HAVE TAMED TODDLERS AND TAUGHT THEM TO POTTY! DO NOT MOCK ME!!!!!"

I manage to take a deep breath, unclench my fists and repress the twitch I feet in my left eye. This man needs a lesson in decorum and couth. I use this opportunity to tell him, in no uncertain terms, exactly with whom he is dealing.

"Well," I sigh, and say with a smile, "let me just give you the low down. I have three children. I homeschool. I own my own business. And I am taking 12 freaking hours. I don't have the time. I MAKE the time." And I give my desk a whack, just for emphasis.

Quiet.

Hmph. No response.

Gutless.

I sit through the rest of the class, trying desperately to focus on what the instructor is saying, but I'm livid. I am even more embarrassed when the instructor asks me a question and I have no reply because though my eyes have been on him, I didn't hear a word of what he said.

I feel my ears turn red.

When class is dismissed, I walk by Whiney Man's desk, not about to look his direction.

"See you next week!" he says cheerfully.

I keep walking.

"Hey!"

I turn.

"Good job, girl. I'm proud of you."

That's all I needed. I am validated. Whiney Man gets to live another week.

Lucky for him.

*Those of you who know me personally may be surprised, perhaps even offended, by my use of profanity. It is not something you are likely to ever hear from my lips. And you have never seen me write it here. However, I do sometimes curse in my head and this situation was absolutely curse-worthy. I figure if I think it, it must be okay to write it. So either I am growing up or spiraling downward into a dark, sinister black hole of evil. Maybe both.

15 comments:

cjoy said...

Woo-hoo! You said it! And I know you feel a thousand times better now, too.

thebarefootpoet said...

Huh huh huh, huh huh huh, she said "ass" huh huh huh, huh huh huh. (Spoken like Beavis and Buthead).

I am curious if he smarts off to you anymore. Is he an idiot jerk, or extremely naive? These next few weeks should tell. You go, girl, I'm proud of you.

Anonymous said...

Yay for you! You sure told him :D I hope he thinks before he opens his idiot mouth again :P

Kyle said...

I'm fairly sure his attitude and quips are a product of his amazing insecurity. Most men are insecure, right? And the louder and more obnoxious we are, usually the more insecure we are.

Additionally, he's an adolescent, right? Uneducated both intellectually and experientially.

I'm not excusing his conduct, just letting you know where it might be coming from. I'm grateful God has put you in his life to help him grow up a little.

Anonymous said...

I curse in my head sometimes too! The key is to not let it slip out!!

shannon @ rocks in my dryer said...

No, his juvenile, condescending ass deserved incinerating, if you ask me. You get 'em girl--I'll hold your coat.

Everyday Mommy said...

I think you should have gone all Jackie Chan on his a_ _!

LiteratureLover said...

Wow! Way to stand up for yourself. I'm glad he relented and tried to resolve it.

Kelli said...

The only thing missing?


"I have three children. I homeschool. I own my own business- I MAKE THE BEST GOSH DARN BOWS to adorn ANY human HEAD!. And ... (slapping desk) I am taking 12 freaking hours. I don't have the time. I MAKE the time." And I give my desk a (another)whack, just for emphasis."

GO get em TIGER :)

Anonymous said...

Supermom - You rock out loud! I would pay good money to have been there when you gave that jerk a verbal smackdown!

Mom's Secret Life said...

Good for you! Lucky for him, he didn't catch me (or you) in an incindiary moment. I'd have torched him utterly and sat back and laughed.

On second thought, you want me to rough him up a bit for youze?

Sarah said...

He did NOT say that!!!!!!!! And you GO! I am SO proud of you for telling it like it is -- I can never think of awesome stuff to say when I am that angry!

Anonymous said...

Made my blood boil just reading it!

I looove how you addressed it!

Antique Mommy said...

I find in situations like that, the Clint Eastwood stare is effective.


I can't figure out if this guy was born an idiot or if he has been working at it. I think he works at it.

karlanee said...

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!!!

Just kidding. I was hoping you'd deck him good!

Maybe he''ll think twice before making stupid comments to people anymore.